Bumpzilla

*Warning: this blog may upset anyone who has been through infertility or loss

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I don’t know what it is – I’m guessing hormones, but the whole world around babies seems to be just fraught with emotion and vulnerability. Whether you are pregnant, you can’t get pregnant, you’ve been pregnant and lost your child or you are someone who doesn’t want to have children – the whole subject of pregnancy is a sensitive subject that needs to be approached with care.

So why is it that it is completely normal for people to say:

“So why haven’t you had kids yet?”

“When are you thinking of having children?”

“You should have children! It’s the best things you can do” 

  1. If you are pregnant but not ready to talk about it it puts you under pressure
  2. If you can’t get pregnant it can be really really upsetting and break your heart
  3. If you have lost a child it can bring up such raw emotions and hurt so much
  4. If you don’t want children it can arouse feelings of guilt and embarrassment

It is completely normal to be bombarded by pregnancy and baby news – and you can’t just blame the internet. Even I – and I have been completely open about my fertility journey from the start – am constantly hurt by family and friends who smother me with baby news. It seems that if you haven’t been through fertility problems then they don’t exist. The amount of times I’ve had to excuse myself and go to the bathroom to sit on the floor and cry is unbelievable.

The problem is – it does hurt A LOT. You can’t help it, it’s like someone is punching you in the stomach and the throat and you feel like your heart has been stamped on. And however much you try – sometimes you just can’t get any words out.

When that person is devastated, because lets face it – however petty it sounds, when you’ve been trying for a baby for nearly as long as pregnant couple have even been together – it screams unfairness.

So you try to stay strong and say congratulations. But when the messages and comments keep coming in, it just gets too much. The fact that they haven’t once asked if you are okay. They haven’t asked if you want to know. They haven’t asked if you are finding this hard. They don’t show any empathy or compassion at the grief that is consuming you.

You get so ill with the grief that you can’t sleep or eat, your anxiety consumes you and the depression pulls you deep into the darkness.

Family visit and you tell them about the pain of your ultrasound, and the pain it caused sitting amongst expectant mothers and fathers, all celebrating getting to see their baby; while you sit in dread of having to see your empty womb. They reply with, oh so and so is having their scan this week.

Lovely. So yet again I’m hidden in my room, on the floor, crying with unbearable pain. The depression and anxiety around this consume me so much, I can’t cope with it. I don’t want to be a bitter jealous person. I don’t want to be evil. I would rather die. It is like becoming a bridezilla for a wedding that never comes.

You try to explain your feelings, but some just can’t get their heads around it, and good for them, that they’ve never had to feel this way. I am coming to terms with the fact that some people will never understand, I am just going to have to learn to cope.

Louise x

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