Fertility and me
*Warning* this blog may upset some people who have been through loss or fertility problems. I’ve tried to be open and honest, I just want people to understand why some people act the way they do, whether they withdraw themselves, get jealous or seem down please be understanding.
After having bad results from the doctors in regards to fertility and being put on a 12-18 month waiting list for the fertility clinic to even get to the bottom of what is wrong; it has been I’d say, not only a hard few months but a hard few years.
With every month would come another bout of grief, a new imaginary child to grieve over. The pain and devastation would never get easier. The ache in my heart, the tears in my eyes, the lump in my throat.
Every pregnancy announcement was like a kick in the stomach. Don’t get me wrong, I am happy for others, but there is a pain in my heart watching others have what I cannot. And then comes the guilt – how disgusting am I for being jealous… that makes me not only a failure but a nasty person too. This just encourages the vicious circle of self hatred.
One of the worst things for me is when somebody says “oh you are only young” – Firstly if it should be easier to get pregnant young so obviously it means it’s more likely there is something wrong! Secondly – why is it good that I will have to live with the grief for an extra 10 years than someone who started trying at 30? Those 10 years could have been spent dreaming rather than grieving.
Please don’t tell me “I’m sure it will happen” – it hurts. I can not risk getting my hopes up. It may seem silly to you but I need to accept that it may never happen or I will not cope. Everyone has a way of dealing with things.
I’m open about this – why should I be ashamed? I know there are other people going through this and it is time to be honest. I have felt so guilty for feeling like this, but once I knew that others do and that it is normal it has made me able to be more compassionate to myself & you should be too.
I’ve gone through stages of determination and excitement, I’ve gone through times where I’ve been obsessed, I’ve also gone through times where I have decided that it is for the best that I can’t have a child because I wouldn’t be a good mum and that it would be selfish to have a child because I was so unwell with depression and anxiety and was told I would likely have postnatal depression too.
Right now, I have a year or more to wait so we decided to take matters into our own hands and have a baby DOG! It was funny because I had just had a scare at the doctors and I was grieving quite badly over a recent pregnancy announcement – my mums friend was looking for a good home for her puppies and I fell in love with little Junior. He was only 5 weeks old, so we waited until 8 weeks to get him.
The weeks spent preparing for his arrival – I said to my boss when I asked for pupternity leave – “I feel like I know what it’s like to be pregnant and waiting for your baby to come home!” I was nesting like mad getting the house ready for my little baby.
I might not ever have a child of my own but I have the opportunity now to help many many children. I still get to enjoy spending time with children – especially my beautiful Goddaughter and her siblings, perhaps I am destined to help other people’s children by writing Mindful Millie, helping in schools and trying to increase awareness of the importance of mental health.